扯蛋

A problem has haunted me for nearly one week. In fact, it is only about a simple, homely matter. At least, I have met it almost every day since when I was one and half years old. But it had never come to my mind until I visited a neighbor store last Sunday.

As househusband starting from last September, I often went shopping family necessities there, for example, eggs. In the past five months, I had been buying a certain brand of eggs, DE QING YUAN, with red cover and red yolk. But on that day, I happened to notice a new brand, GE GE DA, with white cover. In my memory, there were white eggs, too. So I took some white eggs back to have a taste.

But my epicurean desire fell into doubt and fear when I beat an egg into bowl. The yolk was not red; it was yellow. How was it possible that yolk was yellow? Whether would it harm our health if we ate the white eggs? I was too worried to use the beaten egg in my dinner that day.

Thanks to my educational background, I found out a solution three days later. I turned to look up “yolk” in dictionaries available at home – Webster, Macmillan, Oxford, Longman, and Contemporary Chinese dictionary. All the reference books define “yolk” as “yellow part of an egg.” Feeling relieved, we ate all the white eggs, but I was still not sure that we ate the right eggs: their yolk was too atypical to be accepted in modern days.

我爱《海峡两岸》

Like many others, I used to think news programs on CCTV-4, the world-oriented Chinese propaganda channel, merely as tedious and obscurant political tools. But since I happened to watch some episodes of Across the Taiwan Strait, I have come to love this state-run talk show that circuitously transmits the idea and value of democracy, as showed in the following two dialogues (with vivid images but unavailable here):

Beijinger Hostess Li Feng: It’s time to answer questions from viewers…Mr. Zhang, a warm-hearted viewer from Haidian, Beijing, called to ask, “the Kuomintang held a mass demonstration on March 12, the DPP is holding a second one on March 18, and the PFP will hold a third one on March 19, then why are there so many demonstrations now?”

Taiwanese Commenter Zhao Shaokang: Demonstrations are very normal in Taiwan… (March 18)

Taiwaness Guest Xie Qida: The Ministry of Education of Taiwan intended to cut down classes and time of Chinese program…The teachers could not sit by and watch. Although the dullest, most obedient group were always buried in teaching and staying away from social movements, they stood out and set up the Alliance of Saving Chinese Movement now, holding rallies and making speeches everywhere. By arguing and protesting, they told the Ministry of Education to stop it. (March 17)

花儿为什么不低头

To their indignation, many people cannot understand why Chinese pop band Flower insisted on denying their plagiarism. Some assumed that even God’s grandma would have forgiven the young musicians upon their admission. Actually, the band had intended to make public confession until they consulted with some experts.

At first they met George Bush.

“Is it a good idea for one to admit his mistakes?”

“That’s a liberal question, Flower boys.” Bush replied, “Sure we did not find any MDW in Iraq, but we are right to throw Saddam down, aren’t we?”

Then came Comrade China.

“Is it a good idea for one to admit his mistakes?”

“That’s a sensitive question, Flower boys.” China asserted, “Sure we did not release enough information about SARS, etc., but we are right to keep situation stable, aren’t we?”

Finally they visited Bill Clinton.

“Is it a good idea for one to admit his mistakes?”

“That’s a foolish question, Flower boys,” Clinton sighed, “Sure I did confess and survive the impeachment, but I am wronged to be only remembered as an adulterous president in history, aren’t I?”

李宇春 PK 我的腐败老婆

It was Li Yuchun’s birthday on March 10. As a modest super girl and low-keyed Forbes celebrity, the 22-year-old only accepted an 11-layer birthday cake, but kindly offered a 2-song album at 48 yuan (for 84310 copies), and an 8-stamp series at a cheaper price of 36 yuan (for N series), among others. On learning the news, I chocked back my tears with this innocent girl in this corrupt world, against my little niece for whose one piece of kindergarten rhythm I had to pay 100 yuan as Spring Festival gift.

My wife nudged me again and again when I was admiring the getting-less-than-giving angel online.

“What’s the date today?” she asked.

“It’s March 10,” I answered impatiently, “Li Yuchun’s birthday.”

“But it’s also my birthday,” she hinted blatantly.

Doah, it was my wife’s birthday, too. So I had to get up, go out, and buy back nearly 50 yuan of foods. When we were enjoying the dinner, I said to myself, “I do have a corrupt wife.”

Unlike the innocent super girl, my wife is widely thought getting-more-than-giving, for she is a teacher. Ever since who-knows-when, teachers have been regarded as a corrupt group in newspaper features, magazine columns, TV programs, Internet articles, and even ordinary chats. So was my wife when she got a celebration call from one friend after dinner.

“Happy Birthday!” the friend cried cheerfully.

“Thank you,” my wife replied, “and how are you doing?”

“I am too busy to live. I really envy your teachers. Nice salary, few classes, little pressure, and long vacations…” her friend, a senior accountant with a big accounting firm, kept up charging how corrupt teachers were.

Actually, my wife often heard such charges in guise of compliment. At first, she tried to explain it was not the case in vain. Later, she just bitterly rebutted in her mind:

“Nice salary? About three thousand yuan in Beijing, as much as my students’ wages in companies.(more accurate than government officers' payrolls.)

Few classes? Eight classes every week, plus lesson preparation, paper correction, thesis supervision, class management, and almost impossibly, essay publication on few first-class academic periodicals.

Little pressure? Warns and even unemployment upon any failure in college appraisal, student mark, and essay publication, besides house mortgage.

Long vacations? About two and half months of summer and winter holidays, for trying to read books and write papers at monthly salary of less than two thousand yuan.

What a poor corrupt teacher I am!”

我和单位不得不说的故事

The Chinese word ‘danwei’ means ‘unit,’ as in a unit of currency or measurement, or as in ‘work unit’ – the old term for a state-owned company that was supposed to provide cradle-to-grave employment, housing or medical treatment.

- from www.danwei.org

Last week I returned to Linfen to divorce my unit, SXTU. For nine years I had written applications of divorce or sought assistance from mediators, but failed to get official approval, again and again. How about this time? I was not sure when I left Beijing.

After marrying my unit as teacher at monthly salary of 303 yuan for two years, I passed the entrance examination to postgraduate school in mid 1997, and applied to President H for divorce. But President H, who had recently returned from his unit-sponsored Ph.D. program in USA, rejected my application, citing the SXTU standard form contract of marriage that teachers should not be allowed for pursuing advanced education unless they would serve the unit for six full academic years. “To go studying under new contract or to wait here for another four years,” he suggested. Painfully, I deposited 5,000 yuan as guarantee of returning to my unit, and renewed our contract of marriage for another six full academic years. As a result, every month in my postgraduate program, I did not live on the 350-yuan fellowship from Ministry of Education, but the 298-yuan wage from my unit.

With completion of my postgraduate program in early 2000, I submitted to my unit application of divorce again, explaining how importantly I lived together with my wife in Beijing and how sincerely I wanted to pay the contracted alimony, or compensation in official terminology, of 20,000 yuan. “You are a bad man.” Dean G, who had just returned as unit-financed visiting scholar to Australia, reprimanded me, on learning my intention to divorce, “How could you be worthy of the unit’s education? Your application will not be considered until you serve the unit for another six full academic years.”

I thought I would not be able to wait for another six years, so I did not follow his words. I chose to run away from my unit. At that time, a Chinese unit was supposed not only to “provide cradle-to-grave employment, housing or medical treatment,” but also to control dang’an (HR record) and hukou (residence registration). Without my HR record or residence registration, I was regarded as vagrant like Sun Zhigang, and deprived any chance to do teaching, my favorite career, forever. Thanks to my English skills, I made a living as translator and editor in Beijing, without any social securities. (Sure I increasingly love my new job.)

In the following years, I had tried to seek helps from mediators, from inside or outside SXTU, to divorce my unit, but never done it. In late 2000 Dean G left the unit for another one in Beijing, and in mid 2005 President H was promoted to chairman of another one in Taiyuan, the capital of Shanxi. When I was also gradually inured to kiting in Beijing with end of a long, long string in Linfen, my unit, at the beginning of this new academic semester, suddenly ordered me to immediately handle procedures of divorce or to be dismissed.

Last week I returned to Linfen to divorce my unit, SXTU. At the Office of President, a secretary was busy in affixing approval seals for those who returned to divorce the unit. There must be hundreds of workers like me who ran away from my unit in the past decade. “I am doing nothing but this all day,” she sighed, “the old system is very ineffective.”

At the HR Department, a young officer was calling escapees to return to divorce, one by one. When he paused to have a drink, he explained why SXTU was practicing new policy on marriage: for one thing, the unit was changing from planned system into market system, for which it would not ensure new workers’ employment, housing or medical treatment, and accordingly would transfer their HR records to talent market and residence registrations to police station, although they would still need the unit’s approval for advanced education, visit abroad, etc. For another, the unit did not lack Master or Doctoral degree lovers any more, because supply exceeded demand in the employment market.

这不是我的奋斗!

Dear Chinese Publisher:

I am writing this letter to ask you to change the title of my Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin (Chinese version), the same one with Adolf Hitler’s My Struggle.

Sure I understand that Chinese people, who are struggling for their economic boom or bubble, need and love inspiring books. And I even do not bother if my book is titled “The Autobiography of American Dae Jang Geum.” (美国大长今的自传) But please never translate it into “My Struggle.” (我的奋斗)

It is Hitler's tag line, not mine.

Kind regards,

大鼻子情圣

On this 14th February, St. Valentine invited Joseph Stalin, Chiang Kai-shek, and George Bush, to show the world how they loved their enemies.

“In our state-owned camp in Russia, all prisoners are treated like our workers. While the wardens take risk in eating fatty sausages harmful to their hearts and blood pressures, the prisoners are eating healthy, fibrous, black bread; while the wardens missed chances to build their bodies in heavy overcoats in Siberian winters, the prisoners are doing exercises in thin clothes all day; and while the wardens stayed up to have public relation events in ballroom, the prisoners are permitted to sleep for three hours every night.” Stalin said, which got warm applauds.

“In our joint cooperative in China, all prisoners are treated like our guests. While the officers are standing, the prisoners are sitting on Tiger Stools; while the officers are drinking water, the prisoners are enjoying Pepper Juice; and while the officers are working too hard to shape their fingernails, the prisoners are having their fingernails shaped with Bamboo Nails, the most natural tool in the world.” Chiang said, which got warmer applauds.

“In our wholly-owned company in Iraq, all prisoners are treated like our lovers. While the soldiers take off their clothes by themselves, the prisoners have their clothes taken off; while the soldiers are busy in feeding, cleaning, and training puppies, the prisoners are only chatting with the puppies; and while the soldiers are ordered to save electricity for the sake of energy crisis, the prisoners are enjoying electromagnetic massage. The soldiers are ready to do everything for the prisoners until they say ‘we love America.’” Bush said, which got the warmest applauds.

《武林外传》之“春晚”

From the beginning, Tong Xiangyu knew that she should not have married to Seven Knights-Errant town. If she had not married here, her ordinary husband would not have been killed. And if her ordinary husband had not been killed, she would not have had to host the Spring Festival evening. If she had not held the Spring Festival evening, her talented workers would not have become idiots.

Tong was the hostess of Luck Tavern, the largest inn for people to exchange few true and many false gossips in the ancient town, equivalent to the Central Perk in New York and TV stations in China now. N years ago, this homely widow decided to hold a big new year celebration to promote brand image of Luck Tavern. Although she gave her workers petty wages, she still kindly trusted and assigned them to perform like professionals on the show.

There were six workers in her tavern: waiter Bai Zhantang who reformed himself from a master thief, waitress Guo Furong who ran away from her mainstream family, accountant Lv Qinghou who believed in power of knowledge, cook Li Xiuliang who made his ends meet on borrowing money, temporary waitress Lu Wushuang who was always failing to embrace her spring of love, and Mo Xiaobei, a schoolchild and Tong’s sister-in-law who preferred Wu Xiaofeng’s sugarcoated haws (see my 15 January 2006 blog) to her textbooks.

On their debut, Bai sang “Hoecake in Left Hand,” Lv & Li showed crosstalk “Confucian Once Stated,” Guo danced “Moving Mountain and Sea Away,” Lu recited “To Love or not to Love,” and even Mo performed her Kung Fu of Hengshan School. All of them did it.

Ever since, entertainment party at Luck Tavern became a regular item, like meat dumpling, gate couplet and red-enveloped tip, at Seven Knights-Errant town on the eve of first day in every lunar year. But it turned less and less interesting when Magistrate Lu required stricter ethical purposes, Tong pleased larger patrons, her workers became bigger shots, and local audience grew more insatiable.

Tong was so worried about the negative tendency that she summoned on brain storm. After seriously discussing for forty nine days and carefully researching for another eighty one nights, the seven local cultural elite eventually worked out a few solutions, which were applied into the Spring Festival evening in the Year of Dog.

As it showed, when Bai sang his “Hoecake in Right Hand,” Guo danced “Moving Mountain and Sea Back,” Lu recited “Not to Love or to Love,” and Mo performed her Kung Fu of New Henshan School, the other workers who did not act would warmly applaud at every three second. When Lv & Li showed crosstalk “Magistrate Lu says,” the others would heartfully laugh at every two seconds. On hearing applauds and laughter, the audiences, who found it difficult to appreciate their feasts and humor, would feel too ashamed to put forward any substantive criticism.

In order to strengthen their achievements, Luck Tavern people tried every effort to find some agreeable audiences on the following day. After coaxing them to show on Swordsmen Monthly cover or promising them with half discount at their inn, the team persuaded ten local residents and two Korean visitors to declare how much they loved the latest Spring Festival evening. And Magistrate Wu also ordered an official poll agency to make up a higher audience rate for this new party. Their efforts were paid off when the ordinary people seemingly believed in this new story of success at last.

Unfortunately, the Luck workers also came to believe in this story by themselves so much so that they forgot how to do as entertainers, workers, or men. They could not help becoming idiots, (un)consciously.

熊猫大使

CERTIFICATE

       No. 2006001

This is to certify that No. 19, male panda returnee, born in San Diego, USA, in September 2004, at the administrative level of bureau head, with monthly salary of five thousand yuan of food, and No. 16, female panda aboriginal, born in Wolong, China, in August 2004, at the administrative level of deputy bureau head, with monthly salary of four thousand yuan of food, who are healthy, harmonious, and pro-reunification husband and wife with legal Certificate of Marriage and Certificate of Birth Allowance, and have passed the Educational Campaign to Maintain the Advanced Sex of Cub Panda of China (CPC) and the National College Taiwanese Test Band-4, will be appointed Diplomats of People’s Republic of China in Taiwan zoo after and on 6 January 2006.

                                         Taiwan Affairs Office

罗生门俱乐部

A story about sex, spy, and suicide.

At the newly opened Rashomon Club on the last day in 2005, Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Qin Gang, Japanese Foreign Ministry press secretary Yoshinori Katori, and a former worker in the Japanese Consulate in Shanghai, talked in front of a few journalists, about their stories of a death case happening one and half years ago.

Yoshinori Katori:

“The dead, an official in his 40s, was in charge of official telegrams at the Shanghai consulate. Unfortunately, he became victim of blackmail in 2004. (Reporters urged him to clearly talk about death cause) Well, he had an affair with a local bar hostess. When Chinese spies threatened to publicize it unless he disclosed the Japanese encryption system, he had to kill himself. (Reporters expressed their shock) Because the Chinese agents violated the Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations, we have lodged strong protests, and are seeking disclosure of the facts of the incident.”

Qin Gang:

“When the worker with the Japanese Consulate in Shanghai committed suicide one and half years ago, we carried out our investigation of the death, and concluded it was not in any way affiliated with the Chinese government. (Reporters urged him to clearly talk about death cause) Well, at that time, Japan urged China not to disclose the suicide, saying it had been caused by job stress. (Reporters expressed their shock) But now, Japan has schemed to push the responsibility for the suicide on China, and is deliberately smearing China's international image.”

The Dead:

圣诞节日记

Chairman Mao’s Diary

Sunday, 25 December 2005, Sunny

On his two thousand and fifth birthday, Jesus talked with me at his kitchen.

“You should convert to Christianity, Mao” Jesus said, reading his old, dog-eared family Bible, “Thanks to Christianity, my selected people have become the world models.”

“So what?”

“Without this belief rooted in heart, it will be hard for you to live. No love, equality, freedom…” he suddenly stopped saying, a group of prisoners being tortured on his TV.

When the prisoners’ cry echoed on Christmas Day, Jesus went desperate with his worn crucifix.

But I noticed, at his foot, a big-eared man was still praying with hand at chest, “dear Christ, please tell me where we will hid those prisoners?”

Jesus Christ’ Diary

Monday, 26 December 2005, Sunny

On his one hundred and twelfth birthday, Chairman Mao talked with me at his kitchen.

“You should convert to materialism, Jesus.” Mao said, chewing his red cooked pork pot, “Thanks to materialism, my home country has become the world sweatshop.”

“So what?”

“Without these materials made in China, it will be hard for you to live. No shoes, beds, TV sets…” he suddenly stopped saying, a portion of meat having lodged in his gullet.

When the meat became disengaged at People’s Hospital, Mao went bankrupt with his medical bill.

2005百度热门词（三）

Larry Lang

（郎咸平）

What would happen to the little child who said “but he didn’t have anything on” in the Emperor’s New Suit? Sure, he would not be awarded the title of “Three Good Student.”

Ba Jin

（巴金）

To be or not to be, this is not a problem anymore.

Liu Xiang

（刘翔）

As an underdog in the culture of “survival of the winner,” I love Haru-urara, or Glorious Spring, the eternal loser who does not give up.

Sister Lotus

（芙蓉姐姐）